Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
