i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
