just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
