There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
