i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
