So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
