Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
