There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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