There is no way he is gay with that hair.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize