An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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