first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
