he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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