She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
