U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
