I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
