I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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