i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
