..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
