I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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