Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
my shit smells like andre
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
