Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
