I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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