I hope mine doesn't look like that
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
