happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
