oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
