Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
