How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
