i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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