Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
