So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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