It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
