plz talk dirty to me
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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