Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
