I can't watch pbs sober anymore
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
