also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize