i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
