When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
