if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
