the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
