My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
