I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
