once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
