mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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