My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
