sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
