If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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