Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
