What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize