My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
