I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize