either way he was missing a nipple.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
