My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
