life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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