I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
