i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
