will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
