The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
