Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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