Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
